Jobseekers—do you feel guilty or ashamed about something that happened in your career?

We all know that everyone is imperfect and that everyone makes mistakes regularly (in fact, I’ve made the mistake of eating a donut every day for the last two weeks). So why do we all feel ashamed or guilty about things that haven’t gone quite right in our professional lives?

Cultural expectations

A major culprit is American culture, which tells employees that they need to constantly strive for perfection. Since the 1980s, we’ve been obsessed with self-help and self-improvement under the misguided belief that if we try to become perfect, we can control everything that happens in our lives.

The result of this faulty thinking is that we’ve become judgmental and overly critical of ourselves, our employees, our colleagues, our friends, and strangers we read about on the internet. Not to mention, we feel defeated and discouraged when we realize that the only thing we actually control is our behavior, not the outcomes of our efforts.

To make matters worse, we can be punished for making mistakes at work or in our careers—whether it’s by being fired, or being denied a raise, or being considered unemployable because of a gap between jobs.

Another reason why we feel shame or guilt is that many of us come from cultures that tell us there are only a few acceptable career paths to follow. If we’re lucky enough to be talented in and passionate about one of these career paths, then we'll have highly fulfilling and successful work lives. If not, we'll spend many years feeling like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole, achieving neither pleasure nor success from work.

Our parents

A second cause stems from our parents' desire for us to always be safe.

I heard Khaled Hosseini, author of the bestseller The Kite Runner, speak at a book talk years ago. He decided to choose the “safe” career of medicine after watching his parents struggle on welfare when they came to the United States from Afghanistan. His parents said, “You have to make something of yourself. We came here because there is opportunity for you guys here, and we want you guys to make something of yourself."

It wasn't until many years into his medical career that Hosseini first entertained the thought of writing professionally, although he had been writing his entire life. Eventually he found the courage to pursue his dream of being a writer and went on to become a bestselling author of three novels.

The problem with grief and shame

One of the major problems with grief and shame is that, besides making us miserable, they make it harder for us to choose the right career, get a job, or change professions. Shame and guilt manifest themselves in all aspects of our careers, including in our decision-making, networking, interviews, and even resumes.

It’s all OK

Let me give you permission to feel OK about any of these things that may have happened to you:

• You got fired.
• You got laid off.
• You didn’t get the promotion.
• You didn’t get the raise.
• You’re not making as much money as you “should be.”
• You didn’t move far enough up the ladder.
• You’ve done too much job hopping.
• You could have been a doctor.
• You got a PhD and didn’t do anything with it.
• You didn’t finish your PhD.
• You didn’t get a college degree.
• You did something unethical.
• You shouldn’t have sent that email.
• You shouldn’t have said that thing that you said.
• You shouldn’t have turned down that job.
• You shouldn’t have accepted that job.
• You shouldn’t have stayed out of the workforce for so long.
• You spent too many years doing work that you didn’t like.
  
  

Be kind to yourself

So, please—be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to make career mistakes. If you learn from them and allow yourself to move on, everything really will be OK.
 

Getting laid off is hard on your self-esteem, and low self-esteem can impair how you perform in an interview by making you seem defensive or pessimistic. Here are some tips for keeping your spirits up and your interview skills sharp while you’re in career transition.

You deserve a fresh start. It doesn’t matter whether your last job didn’t work out or whether you have a spotty work history—you can still be highly successful in your next position. Use the wisdom you’ve gained from your career experiences to find a position and a company that are a good fit and to be the best employee you can be.

Acknowledge that many things are out of your control, such as a bad economy, industry turmoil, or corporate instability. Many people, for example, had trouble finding steady work during the Great Recession, so there's no need to blame yourself if you had a patchy work history during these years.

Replace negative beliefs with positive ones and avoid catastrophizing. For example, you can swap the belief “It’s going to be hard to find a job at my age” for “I will find employers who value my expertise and maturity.” The thought "I'm sure I'm going to wind up homeless and lose everything" is an example of catastrophizing, which is a cognitive distortion that causes needless stress. 

You can pick up a copy of Feeling Good and teach yourself how to think more realistically.

Forgive yourself for career mistakes, because people are imperfect and make mistakes all the time. Steve Jobs made big mistakes, yet he was one of the most successful business leaders of our time.

Blame, guilt, doubt, and regret are feelings that can hamper your job search, so allow yourself to let go and move on.

Don’t take it personally when interviewers ask you questions that provoke insecurities, such as, “Why do you have so many short-term consulting positions?” and “Why do you have a gap on your resume?” Employers routinely ask these questions, so prepare answers prior to the interview and you will feel confident and relaxed when responding.

Hang out with positive people. During a career transition, spend time with people who believe in you and encourage you. Join a career-transition group, and hang out with family and friends who support your goals; they will help keep you motivated during rough patches and celebrate your successes.

Read uplifting articles. The internet is full of discouraging pieces like “The Top 10 Reasons Why You Will Never Get the Corner Office” and “Why Your Boss Didn’t Like You.” These articles do nothing but spark shame and guilt, so skip over them. Instead, read books and articles that are educational, motivating, or inspiring.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve to treat yourself with compassion.

If you become depressed or anxious, see a therapist. Depression and anxiety are serious medical conditions that need treatment. If you’ve had a traumatic work experience (such as sexual harassment or bullying), therapy may speed your recovery.

Remind yourself of your strengths. Make a list of your career accomplishments and contributions, along with an inventory of your professional strengths. Keep these lists handy for moments when you feel down, and remind yourself why you will be a great asset to your next employer.

A layoff doesn't need to take a toll on your self-esteem or your interview skills. If you treat yourself with compassion, you'll be less anxious during your career transition and more confident and optimistic during interviews, resulting in a shorter, less stressful job search.
 

 


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